hegemo 

People are fragile; fragile in their ability to believe in themselves. One of the ways that people affirm their relevance is by talking about other people when those people are absent. Because most of us are so fragile that we compare ourselves to other people in the hope of finding some kind of malfeasance or aberration in those other people which does not exist in us, we need to make announcements to friends, colleagues, and relatives of our brilliance by inferring the possession of opposite traits to the slurred persons. However, only the most crass person would make direct comparisons out loud. In diminishing other people during conversation (some would say gossip) we might say ‘She can’t keep a job’ and ‘She sponges off the Government’ to infer by suppressed premises that if one can say that about another in a disapproving manner, then one is not of the same ilk, or is better than that. In order for this kind of conversation to take place, there must exist, at least, a perception in the speaker that the recipient of these treacherous statements is receptive to such atrocious postulation. In these situations there is a mutual bonding taking place, or a reaffirmation of a bond. Sadly, it is the human condition to make comparisons to other people, past or present. Even, in a religious group there should be a continuous and concerted striving to be a better person than one has been in the past or, in a fug of self-righteousness, better than the ‘nasty’ person they have just encountered in the shop or at the bus-stop. How then can we have a positive relationship with anyone if we are different to the norm that the individual is used to, without also ‘back-stabbing’? If we are different to the person we are trying to reach, will that person relax in our presence? 

With this in mind, a positive relationship with an individual with mental ill health, when supporting them, must either be fully intertwined with an acceptance of their mental ill health which may present as them being part of the hegemony of talking about people behind their backs (which is plainly a sign of mental ill health - doubting themselves or feeling insecure or diminished); or completely refrain from mentioning their insipid perception of others and their characteristic of openly maligning other people. So, the dichotomy is whether to be mentally ill and join in, or ignore this widespread manifestation of mental ill health in others and be seen as ‘holier than thou’. It is not without purpose that many religions have an underlying current of advising the supplicant to be non-judgemental; In other words – don’t bring someone down in your estimation to make yourself feel better.

Here then, we can understand that making no judgement and refraining from making declarative statements is a good position to be in when preparing a figurative garden for positive relationships to grow. And, this is certainly where one should be when supporting someone with mental ill health.

Putting aside narcissism and its cousins as being aspects of mental ill health, and driving too fast, unprotected sex, and getting drunk at the weekends as being self-harm, perhaps we should focus on the blatant and most commonly perceived mental ill health manifestations and, more keenly, on vocally expressed mental angst or ill health as being the best grounds for positive relationships to be efficacious when in support of someone with mental ill-health; as in ‘I am the same as you’.

Many full time employees spend more time at work than at home with their families, or in the company of their friends and preferred acquaintances. This actually might not be true yet it is true that they may not be adequately engaged with their families – either they are asleep or lack fertile consciousness in a flagging relationship. If a fruitful engagement is lacking outside of work, then it is important that the individual is in a positive environment at work, if only as a bolt-hole. 

In a positive work environment, with positive relationships, there is a reduction of the chance of employees feeling isolated. Many isolated individuals can descend into an attitude of low motivation and low morale. Of course, these two traits, from the business’ position will negatively impact on productivity or the quality of the work effort. However, where there are positive relationships, populated by trust, encouragement, empathy, and support, employees should feel more positive in their approach to problems, at work and outside of work, and even the banality of their work if their role involves repetitious effort or mundane tasks. With positive relationships at work, even though they may be superficial and conditional on being an employee at the same work site, there is good reason to believe that absenteeism is reduced and there is a better worker to output ratio. 

The importance of communication, including having difficult conversations and active listening:

A question that arises here is: How far should Corporate Social Responsibility extend, and what should be included in the package?

Of course, company policies and procedures, Health & Safety Regulations, and hierarchical protocols need to be made clear to the inductee during an initial meeting at work. And, certainly, these aspects of being in work need to be re-iterated or, at least, available to the employees. Yet, how far should the employer reach into their employees personal lives? While, large organisations may have an HR department that can handle mental health issues, most of the UK’s economy is made up of SMEs (Small and Medium Enterprises). In fact, according to businessadvice.co.uk, 99% of the nation’s business population is an SME, which together employ 60% of the country’s workforce. SMEs individually have less than 250 employees and an annual turnover of less than 50 million GBP.

Communication is so important that it is problematic when the content or direction of communication is inappropriate, or perceived to be invasive. As for difficult conversations, there must be at least one participant who has an even countenance and a large degree of equanimity. Where does a small business find someone like that?

Realistically, a good listener who can show empathy is most useful when difficult conversations are to be had or commence. Someone trained in Personal Sales, particularly Solution Sales, would be a good person to designate as the go-to mental health person. Let us never forget that any concerns that an employee has about their work conditions and environment is indicative of a risk factor for mental ill health. Work-related issues SHOULD therefore be dealt with with one eye on preventing, diverting, or alleviating mental anxiety. 

From a wide and wistful perspective, the two old chaps working together at jointly sawing a log at a sawyers mill, who barely talk at all is a scene of connectedness, even communication; if this is a scene in ‘The Waltons’, the 1970s television series set somewhere on an American mountain. Today, the trust in a work colleague’s ability and capacity can be as reassuring to employees as when there is a fevered to-and-fro rap between a conversation’s participants. Inevitably though, someone with mental ill health will have a predilection towards using their SmartPhone to assuage their worries and their inability to ameliorate their perceived problems; the typical ‘Ostrich with its head in the sand’ syndrome. In contrast, if we go back to ‘The Waltons’ scene there is a reassurance of stability, trust, and a well of sound advice waiting to quench any thirst when feeling uneasy. This lack of vocal conversation is the most valuable, and rarest, facet of good communication.

Positive relationships require communication, and communication that is intended to be effective as a platform for understanding an individual will likely be open to shared work concerns and reciprocal support. Participants in this type of communication might include managers, supervisors, work colleagues holding the same position, tutors, and welfare staff (including HR).

Back to SmartPhones: Active listening usually means showing the speaker that one is listening to them. Often, this is accomplished by paraphrasing their statements and sending it back to them. This assures the speaker that they are making sense and they are understood by an attentive and interested person. In the modern day, a dilemma arises on whether a SmartPhone in the meeting should be used during a conversation to access a website that pertains to mental health, or clarification on a legal aspect, or something else that is currently being discussed. We, commonly, believe that the use of a digital device during a conversation with a real person in the same room (analogue conversation) is indicative of diverted attention. It is, however, fine to use a pen and paper, in a 1970 / 80s film scene that is set in a psychiatrists office.

Whether to actually take notes is a bone of contention; many people would feel slighted if the listener did not take notes. It comes down to this: if the listener has never had any kind of therapy or attended a GP or A&E department at a hospital with any kind of serious problem then this listener would not be inclined to take notes because they might be following an idea that it shows a lack of concentration on the speaker’s words (diverted attention). If the SPEAKER has had therapy or attended their GP or A&E with a serious condition they would be used to having notes taken as they speak. Consequently, this speaker would feel affronted and ignored if notes are not taken. Whether the speaker is talking nonsense or not, the words, disjointed sentences, and spoken references, are important to them at that time. Special attention MUST be shown to those words, and particularly any emphasis placed on them. We all know, though, that if you write your thoughts down when you come back from the pub on a Friday night, the next morning they make no sense. Nonetheless, they were important at the time. If the words are nonsense in listening circumstances then just doodle notes if you are listening, or even not listening.

The hazard here is that only one in four people will experience strong mental ill health; which means that three in four people believe they are normal and they use a misaligned form of thinking to deal with other people, more specifically the one person in four segment of the population. ‘Do unto others as you would have then do unto you.’ Completely wrong when you are dealing with mental crisis or any kind of relationship – it takes no consideration of what the other person(s) actually feel and what THEY want to happen. The Biblical sense behind the statement is that one should not steal from; lie to; attack; talk about; take advantage of; another person. It makes no in-roads into deciding what personal preferences someone else has.

Certainly, CARES, one of many Customer Service protocols, has:

Communication as its first goal - clearly communicate the process and set expectations;

Accountability - taking responsibility for fixing the problem; 

Responsiveness - don’t make the customer wait for for your communication or solution; 

Empathy – acknowledge the impact that the situation has on the customer;

Solution – at the end of the day, make sure to solve the issue(s) or answer the question.

Characteristics of positive relationships

As mentioned before ref: The Waltons: There does not necessarily need to be a constant stream of words between two or more people to have a positive relationship. Two people who have worked together for years, or are family members, would know each other well. They would likely know each other’s families, their secrets, desires, and what they find distasteful. From this there should exist a good deal of trust between the two; trust that they will perform well at their tasks, and trust that they will look out for each other to avoid accidents. When categorised these are: absence of disproportionate blame; support; working towards the same aims; reliability; and help to move forward. These are very much a clinical perspective on life and positive relationships and it is very, very easy to find a formulaic and clinical approach to fomenting positive relationships, when health care staff become involved. This is much like deciding what someone should be doing to achieve success by them emulating the direct and focused application to fulfilling the six criteria in ‘The Sims’ PC and games-console game; those that the Sims need to achieve success and progress, in their virtual lives.

Entertainment

Food

Comfort Rest and Sleep

Friendship / Social

Job

Hygiene

However, The creator of the virtual dolls-house, Will Wright, stated that ‘The Sims’ was meant as a satire of U.S. consumer culture.

APPLYING EVALUATION CRITERIA THOUGHTFULLY - OECD 2021

Relevance 

Coherence

Effectiveness 

Efficiency

Impact

Sustainability 

Trust

As in all of the aspects of positive relationships, trust is found in varying degrees in family relationships, and relationships with friends and colleagues.

Effective Communication

Clarity of expression is vitally important for effective communication to be most efficacious when there is a crisis at hand. 

Patience

Where there lies some difficulty in conveying a communication, or in its receipt, a significant suffusion of patience needs to be, not only infiltrating the constituent members of a relationship, but also, expressed in a non-patronising way – the best platform for this is for the members of the relationship to be known for it.

Empathy

Empathy is markedly different to sympathy and not always possible. A man can never empathise with a woman in child-birth, except by recalling a significant blow to his genitals and how debilitating some types of pain are, which is at best, wildly inaccurate. Where does a man place the physical pain of child-birth in terms of placing it on a scale of agony. No, a man can only sympathise in this kind of scenario, just as someone who has never experienced psychosis in a conscious state can not have much understanding of what hallucinations or aberrations of belief are outside of laughing at their own weird dreams when they were asleep, or the teenage dreams of marrying a prince, or of becoming a YouTube influencer once they are happily married to someone else and have a great job as a psychologist helping unfortunate people, or as a builder of homes (bricklayer).

Genuine interest and/or affection
 

Genuine interest and/or affection is easier said than done for a narcissist, sociopath, or psychopath; and many, many people do not know they are themselves one of these types. We can also include empathy as not being easy for these types of people. 

Some people are naturally? inclined to have genuine interest and/or affection. Even people who are inches or seconds away from demise and death can be altruistic. A parent should be in this category of care, yet quite often is not – infanticide is the glaring truth that starkly contrasts with our supposed view of parenthood being caring and affectionate at all times. The natural inclination may well be only as a result of subliminal training at an early age by emulating others, although there would need to be an innate predisposition to help and be useful. A stressed mother with a new-born child may praise the baby’s elder sibling for fetching the nappies when the new-born is being changed. The elder child may be experiencing a little jealousy and a reduction of directed affection towards themselves, so praise for helping may be a soupçon of comfort to alleviate a feeling of alienation. So, when we say, ‘naturally inclined to be genuinely interested or affectionate’, do we instead mean they are nurtured to be predisposed? Given that we all might, ceteris parabus (All things being equal), be inclined to favour our own gene-pool in a harsh and dangerous environment, the many tribulations of life strip away our altruism and benevelonce and, I so suggest that outward demonstrations of kindness remind and inspire us, when we are receptive, to be humane. A person predisposed towards being kind to others may merely be someone who is habitually kind through practice, or makes a special effort in the name of their God, when their God has not actually been able to find a way into the supplicant worshipper, and so this latter person has made an avatar of themselves that fits their idea of what they should be like if they are following their religion. In this latter person there is a concept of kindness and an idea of what effect the kindness might have on someone, and there is a knowledge of a procedure to administer interest and affection, yet without love, or their God, they are a clanging bell, gong or cymbal. (inspired by 1 Corinthians 13 v1 in the Bible).

Flexibility

Those people familiar with negotiation training will recognise what BATNA is (Best Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement). When a hostage-taker wants a helicopter to escape in, a sailing boat with no engine is not likely to be an acceptable alternative despite there being a sea or body of water adjacent to the incident, but a small plane may be acceptable. Here is a fluid idea of how the added flexibility of being able to travel in a third dimension becomes crucial to the escape plan. Throughout this example we might consider the hostage-taker’s escape plan to be an hypothetical, yet colourful, visage similar to the invisible / intangible desire of a person seeking to regain some independence from their mental descent.

For the escaping hostage-taker there is a body (hostage) that is not their own yet must be cared for in some fashion. The demise of this hostage body creates a whole different set of circumstances that renders the escape plan useless – essentially the hostage-taker will be shot or incarcerated for so long as to be rendered incapacitated and ill-equipped to fully regain future independence. For an individual during an episode of mental ill-health, the mental ill-health is a hostage-taker in possession of their body and mind, although the individual probably does not see it that way at the time, in the past, or in the future, and neither may anyone else, for that matter. However….mental ill-health does not gravitate away to a level of torpidity such as water finding the path of least resistance down a mountain. Yet these two share a common denominator in that mental ill-health and water tend to go wherever they want. So, considering these two mixed metaphors in parallel (hostage-takers and gravitating water) we might glimpse how a channelled approach to negotiation with an individual may interfere with their desire to realise an alternative solution that has been set in desperation and will not accept further fabrication to attain that goal. Travelling in two dimensions with an escape vehicle will probably get the hostage-taker caught, and pulling a plug and hoping that the mental ill-health will just drain away is just plain helplessness overriding common-sense (Let us ignore, for the moment, taking a holiday to relieve stress as being useful), neither can we dam the water because we know the reservoir will over-flow. 

So, we have desperation that wants to take flight and a building pressure of unstoppable force that cannot be contained, but can be channelled and drained away without any more undue outside influence, as long as the escape plan is implemented and works well.

Finding a solution to people’s problems requires just the right amount of intervention and apparatus, like supplying a helicopter or plane (BATNA), and not a sailing boat, to get to a higher place where mental ill-health can drain away without any more intervention from outside persons. In this, we can clearly understand that desperate, and seemingly immutable demands sometimes have to be met in order for the safe destination to be reached. In case we have forgotten, the hostage is released reasonably unharmed.

Appreciation

A recognition of someone’s social, financial, or industrial validity can take the form of appreciation. This, however, really has a bent towards it being from a selfish position, in that the person appreciating an individual has somehow gained from the individual’s capacity and capability, even if this is that someone has a good sense of humour. However, in looking a little deeper, one can appreciate someone’s ability and capacity to take care of other people who are not known to the onlooker, such as a nurse or doctor who cares for others being appreciated by a non-stakeholder in those person’s life. Merely verbally noting appreciation in the form of a remark that does not include a recognition of the effort an individual has put into an action is thin in its efficacy to encourage more similar actions, and as outlined in Q 10c para. 10 (Dr Dweck’s research into growth mindset), this can engender a ‘fixed-mind’ mentality in the recipient of such praise, whereas the intent behind any appreciative compliment may be less about thanks and more about encouragement, which Dr Dweck postulates has a requirement for a recognition of hard work to encourage a ‘growth-mindset’.

So, what may seem to be a positive comment in the mind of a appreciative person may inadvertently curtail the growth of an individual’s mind-set and self-worth. Ultimately, the recipient individual may never feel comfortable learning new procedures and theories. ‘You are so clever’, simply is not enough, whereas ‘Your mathematics skill and ability to focus coupled with the dedication you put into your work clearly contributes to an outstanding outcome’, while being wordy and stilted in its delivery would be a better statement, so long as the recipient did not think the speaker is weird for talking like that. But, I am not about to spoon-feed anyone with off-the-shelf complimentary remarks to use in an arsenal of off-handed statements; that would surely ‘freeze’ someone’s mind, just as a frozen ‘Pan Am’ 1 smile on a glamour model’s face works for the environment but is only a trick of the trade; it lacks sentiment and inclusivity in an uninteresting environment, such as a ‘Duchenne Smile’ 2 that reaches the eyes does. (Uninterested – having no interest. Disinterested – interested but impartial)

Accepting of growth and change

With ‘Appreciation’ (above) still floating iridescently on our oily puddles of memory, we can be sure that someone who is considerate of how appreciation is rendered and the resultant effect of it can be regarded as someone who is accepting of growth and change in others. We should, however, be careful that we do not believe that an individual’s attitude and behaviour always warrants any compliments. It may be the change and growth of a person that compliments and appreciation are attributed to.

Realistically, acceptance of change and growth in others may impart a little wistfulness in the observer when the subject person moves away from the onlooker; typically, this is when a mentor, tutor, or more specifically, a parent, has to give way to the new shape that their charge is changing into in new environments. 

An acceptance of positive change is the goal here, and acceptance of negative change is recovery in ‘The Seven Stages of Grief’ or ‘Good mental health’ on the Mental Health Continuum. However, the self-righteously blind person may feel that the person who has negatively changed needs help and support because they do not measure up to a standard that has been cemented into their own reasoning of ‘normal’. If one does not subscribe to the negative influences in society when everyone else does, that tone will be considered, in an hegemony to be an outlier and needs adjusting. You couldn’t make it up – a zugzwang position in a science-fiction film, not unlike The Matrix, or George Orwell’s ‘1984’.

Respect

Without respect, any relationship between people can only be considered to be comparable to a relationship between an individual and , land-based drones that are not much better than AI manifestations of someone’s idea of how people should be. An individual may find that their environment sometimes resembles an interactive theatre production in which there is an exploration into bystander apathy (or intervention). Sometimes it takes an unusual activity to effectuate responses in people. We tend to like small children because everything is new to them, and inquisitiveness is really quite harmless; whereas, an older individual, perhaps someone who has retired, tends to be less well respected after brief encounters wherein none of the participants know each other. This because an older person may interfere in a situation as though they have a ‘Willie Wonka Golden Ticket’ invite, on the pretext that another person who righteously corrects an individual on their behaviour is themselves the perpetrator of creating an imbalance in the known Universe, and therefore needs to be similarly corrected by the new interloper (the older person that thinks they are participating in an interactive theatre production – quiet while there is an irritating scenario and vociferous when someone attempts to ameliorate the situation). Of course, this obviously repairs the tear in the veil of the universe instantaneously! Here then, is a situation where respect for others tilts from beneficial to the public (an active learner) towards self-centred respect for the cantankerous self at the expense of others, as the interloper ages from a curious child with respect for everything new, through to old age where the known universe is populated only by less mature and experienced people who need correcting if they ever become apparent in any circumstance or environment. This example is, of course, a neon scaffolding from which further ideas can be constructed.

So, we have before us; respect for the avid learner and a lack of respect for the pontificating self-righteous interloper in a conversation, situation, or environment. Surely then, the most respect goes to an avid learner who actuates their knowledge and only gives unsolicited advice when it is entirely necessary. A positive relationship must have at least an understanding of the characteristics and attributes of the participants and, of course, that other person who curiously envisages themselves in an interactive theatre production. If we are honest we cannot really fully respect someone who is not the first to act in an emergency when they have the mental capacity and experience to help alleviate problems – No? Perhaps then, it is only myself that will see a ‘fixed mindset’ as being something that must be quickly shoved aside by those with a ‘growth mindset’. This is notwithstanding that people’s personal space, emotions, privacy and feelings are sanctified, or more correctly, inviolable, by mutual respect.
 

Respect is something to be earned. Respect for others means not diminishing them, or making fun of them. It means considering other people’s feelings and opinions.

1From the smile given by the Pan American Airways stewardesses (cabin crew)

2The Duchenne smile is different from other smiles in several ways. First, it uses both the zygomatic major and the orbicularis oculi, while a false smile doesn’t involuntarily engage the zygomatic major as much or at all but resides only on and around the lips. A false smile can be described as a smile that “doesn’t reach the eyes” as it does not engage the muscles around the eyes and only pulls up on the outside corners of the mouth.